my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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