i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
