I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
