I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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