I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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