His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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