1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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