Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
