just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Randomize
