I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
