Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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