Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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