she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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