Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize