i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you win again, gameday.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
There's a naked man in my car right now.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
