We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
