this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
