oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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