I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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