She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
