i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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