did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
