This dress was meant to end up on your floor
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Randomize
