Already got asked if we're dating
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
