I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
