So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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