So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
even my farts smell like vagina
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
