The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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