I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
