Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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