I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
