Are we in a gay sports bar?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
