were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
