I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
