you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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