Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
