chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
