He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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