And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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