Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
