but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
