you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
