A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize