He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
