Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
wrigley field is MILF paradise
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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