I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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