I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
