You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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