Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
