I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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