please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
