if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
