Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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