I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I smell stomach acid.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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