I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
